Flicker

You asked me once
why I make things so hard.
Why I don’t just look at things
the way they are.

How could I tell you?
Tell you that’s exactly what I do.
That it’s everything around me
That’s making it hard.
By vacillating.
Sometimes there and sometimes not.
And I’m just looking at it.
the way it is.

Everything is flickering.
Sometimes true and sometimes not.
And I’m just stumbling through it all.

Good, that which has become
a wanted rarity
is still being mocked.
And all the while we fight
Among us to see which of us
is worse.

What right do I have
to say anything about that?
I’m torn between opposites myself.
Loving no one. Hating nothing.
And yet somehow still
writing, speaking, being.

Which is true? My poetry?
My smiles? My silence?
They’re all true,
Just let them be.

Everything around me is
vacillating.
Sometimes there and sometimes not.
In the midst of them all
I am stumbling.
Falling.
Flickering.

Where am I? Is this reality?
Or is this a song someone else
has written?
Argh. I don’t know anymore.
The world is flickering around me.

That unasked question. Those down turned eyes.
You worry of offending me.
(Hey can I tell you something?
Please don’t get offended…)
Just offend me.
Just say it and get over with it.
How long are we going to pretend
like we understand anyway?
(Actually
never mind)
Let me guess, “I never know
what you’re thinking” is it?
You’re not the first and you aren’t the last.
How will you know?
How will any of you know?
When I myself have no idea?

I say the world around me flickers.
Ha. What a joke.
The world is stable be it in cruelty.
I know full well, that it’s me.
It’s me who’s flickering.

Belief? Trust? Truth? Lies?
What are those?
Intangible, much like me.
Always there, but who knows
what they are?
Who knows what I am?
I’m just flickering without a reason.

(Make it stop, just make it stop.
You know how to make it stop.)

If I make it still, then
everything around me will stable.
There and clear to all.
But I’d have stumbled.
Fallen.
Flickered out.

(Make it stop.
Please… just stop)

If I become still,
Then I will stable, thoughts no more shouts.
Peace and quiet.
But then the world around would have shuddered.
Broken apart.
Flickered out.

How? How has it become like this?
Everyone says I’m nice, I think everyone is nice.
And yet. Yet everything around is
vacillating.
Sometimes there and sometimes not.
And in the midst of it all
I am stumbling.
Falling.
Flickering.

Why? Why must things be so hard?
Nothing’s right, nothing’s wrong.
And yet. Yet everything around is
vacillating.
Sometimes there and sometimes not.
And in the midst of this all
I am stumbling.
Falling.
Flickering.

 

 

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7 thoughts on “Flicker

  1. This is like a trance. Where you’re in a dark hallway and the lights are always flickering so you can’t find your way. You don’t know which way to go. Then you realize you are what is flickering and there is nothing around you. Your own flickers messed with your reality and made you think there was a hallway when there is only just you.

    Liked by 1 person

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