It’s already April. Four months of another year have gone by. And I am still the same.
Emotionless and unable to feel anything is a horrible feeling to have. It’s like feeling as if you’re a doll and the world keeps moving on and on and you’re still stuck in the same place. Unfeeling. Unloving. Understandable.
On the very opposite end of the same is feeling too many things at once. And yet all of them boil down to a single emotion. Angst.
Wh-Why? Why is it like this?
For me, April is the time when I start feeling out of control. Start feeling like a leaf tossing and turning in the wind, helpless, utterly helpless.
Everything seems impossible. It hurts. I’m scared. This is… Why? Why does the world need to be like this?
I can’t do this anymore.
I… I can’t make it through this year.
Wh-why? Why is it like this?
If feeling the world around you is confusing, impossible is bad, then the worst is feeling the same about yourself.
Perhaps it’s because of year end exams, or maybe even the need to plan for the coming months. Perhaps a new job or an old one that got too suffocating. Maybe it’s a friend who you fell out with or maybe it’s just realising something about yourself that you didn’t really want to know.
Whichever it is, it’s a blend of emotions. Hate, love, guilt, regret, nostalgia, hopelessness, angst.
The angst hits you hard. It leaves you breathless, hurting and unable to think. To move in any sense of the word.
It starts showing up in everyday results. Regular comments of “Are you ok?” or if you’re good at hiding it away, then in terms of marks or reactions from others.
And all these just add to the mix of feelings. They grow and show up in the reactions. Again. And again. And again.
You can’t stop feeling.
A friend once told me that they think not feeling anything is sometimes better than feeling too many things at once. I’m not quite sure I agree, but what I can agree about is that you can’t just stop feeling things because you want to. It doesn’t work that way. So what do I think you can do instead? A few things.
1. List It Out
This is one thing I always do. Lists. Seeing things numbered and neatly written or typed make me feel at peace. When I can’t sleep, I get up and write a list of what’s troubling me.
So every day, write a list of what you’re feeling. Separate out that cluster of emotions, write them down separately and try to write down what it is that makes you feel that way.
After a week or a couple of days, compare these lists. Do your feelings change? Do your reasons change? Analyse what’s making you feel out of control.
Why exactly do I think this helps? Knowing something is the first step to stop feeling helpless about it. This may seem like a lousy way to deal with things, but it’s the easiest way to figure things out.
2. Talk about it?
Once again, this is said and said. But seriously, talking about how you’re feeling helps. It doesn’t have to be talking. You could write a journal or a diary or maybe even a one off letter that you tear apart later. But getting things off your chest is a must.
I write poetry when I feel overwhelmed. You could draw or sing or dance. Or write a story about a character similar to you.
Or you could write to me.
Through the blog: Contact Page
On Twitter: AuroraAcacia
Or email me: firstname.lastname@example.org
I promise you that I’ll listen. I’ll be there for you.
There are a lot of ways to express yourself. Don’t keep things bottled up.
3. Tangle it up. Then Forget About it.
This is the hardest of the lot. But if you can do it then nothing will make you feel better. I believe the concept of mind over body.
I think that I can convince myself that the pain isn’t there and the pain actually stops. Before sleeping, tell yourself that you are okay. That you are good and that you are great and that you are liked.
When you get up the next day, list out your emotions and then tell yourself the same thing again.
Constantly remind yourself that you are worth it. That there are people who like you. That you are okay.
And when you remind yourself that enough, you will actually be okay.
It sounds unbelievable right? Sounds… stupid even right?
Maybe it is. So I’ll give you an alternate. Tear that list up. Set it on fire and watch it burn. Or erase the list.
If you’re close enough to someone in real life then get them to write the list too and exchange the lists for a week. If you don’t want anyone in real life to know, then send me the list. I will send you mine too. Please. Try this out.
4.Hobbies and Music
Nothing heals like something you love. Focus on these things. Make time for somethings you like- music, art, sports, TV, whichever.
Spend a little time on these and do it wholeheartedly.
I don’t really like eating. But tastes are a wonderful way to deal with emotions. Try out new foods and retry older ones. Master the comfort food. Maybe it’s a different dish for a different emotion. Or maybe it’s just one for everything.
For me, it’s ice cream.
What’s it for you?
Hear it from Someone Else
They wrote about angst much better than I could ever hope to. Please give this article a read.
Write a phrase about cluster of emotion, how it affects you or how you deal with it. If it’s poetic that’s awesome. If it’s not, it’s still awesome. But do try writing it.
If you’re interested, then tweet it with the hashtag #ContinueDontQuit #AprilAngst
As always, remember. Continue, Don’t Quit.