Hi! Today, again, I will be addressing a topic that’s not really related to manga (My blog’s getting really diverse huh?). As most of you would have guessed by the title and the picture, I’m writing about bts’ new single- Spring Day!
Recently (under the influence of friends and fellow bloggers) I have become A.R.M.Y- the fandom for BTS.
I love all their songs equally and relate to their beautiful lyrics. So, when Spring Day was released and I kept coming back to listen to it, I found myself wondering why the song felt so dear to me…
Yesterday, my friend sent me a link Spring Day Is An Emotional Conclusion and when I read it, I understood, finally, why the song has been haunting me.
And I decided to write down the reason, to make it more real and to come to terms with it myself.
I had told my friend when I first heard Spring Day that the song felt familiar somehow. Like I had heard it before.When I saw the MV with the lyrics, I found that this was the most relatable BTS song yet.
I never actually faced loss of loved ones. Not to something permanent at least.
2014 was one of the years I hated.
It was in 2014 when I parted from my three best friends- one left the locality, one the state, the other the country.
I miss you
Saying this makes me miss you even more
Even when I’m looking at a picture of you
I miss you
Time’s so cruel
I hate us
Even seeing each other for once
Is now so hard between us
At that time, that was my worst fear. The fear that everyone would leave, that I would grow up and have to leave myself.
I was twelve then, and wasn’t ready to accept that I was scared of something so stupid.
I would get up crying at night, because in my dreams my parents would be dead, my friends gone and I was left in a new lonely world. My mother tried to comfort me, tried to ask me why I was crying.
But I never said. What should I have said? That I was afraid of growing up? Afraid of something that’s coming for everyone? Afraid of something that people are looking forward to?
I hated my birthday. Why should I celebrate the fact that I left so many people, so many memories, so many emotions behind? What was the point of it?
A year later, when I gave in to the fact that people will leave, I lost that fear. But I discovered a new sense of loss- change.
All my friends were there, but suddenly they weren’t who I knew anymore. They treated me differently, started to think differently , they were different.
And what hurt me the most , was the fact that I began to change. That I was no longer the same. No longer the way I knew.
Is it you who changed
(Is it you who changed)
Or is it me
(Or is it me)
I hate the time flowing in this moment
Well, I guess we just changed
Just like how everyone changes
I knew I couldn’t push them away just because they were going to leave, in their own different ways. I would cherish the sweetness of their time and sweet pain of their leave, right? Or should I try and forget about them? Leave them before they leave me? That makes no sense, because that happiness is so much more than the pain. And the pain too was part of it.
That’s right, I hate you
Even though you left me
Not a day passed
Where I didn’t think about you
Honestly I miss you
But I’ll erase you
Because it hurts less
Than to blame you
In pain, I try to exhale you
Like smoke, like white smoke
I say that I’ll erase you
But the truth is that I can’t let you go yet
Last year, I would get mad often. Mad at my friends because they looked forward, looked ahead but I was the only one left behind. Mad at myself, because I can’t keep them to me, knew that I was changing in a way I didn’t want to. (Refer to my poem POTRAIT OF THE PAST)
Then came the fight. The fight between my best friend for the past twelve years, practically my whole life. That was the turning point, the place where I think I stopped caring. Where I truly grew out of the fear of growing up. When I actually, properly, gave in and understood that my fear was unreal. What was the point of fearing something that would happen either way? So I started to look ahead. And walk ahead. My eyes closed and my gratitude with all those who were with me. I still don’t know where I’m going (No More Dream).
But it’s fine. I started moving and that’s what matters. I won’t say I’m without regrets. I will have them, fantasies where we were always together, where we fought but made up. That wishing is a part of me. I accept it.
The hope that we’ll meet again, once more. And see how we changed, how we were and how we are now.
If you wait just a little bit more
If you stay awake for just a few more nights
I’ll go to meet you(I’ll go there to meet you)
I’ll come to get you (I’ll come to get you)
Passing by the edge of the cold winter
Until the spring days come again
Until flowers blossom
Stay in that place just a little bit longer
Finally, this year, I no longer fear change. I am afraid of something else- no aware of something else, or the lack of something to be honest. But that’s a topic for another day.
I made up with that friend I fought with. I say goodbyes more honestly today. I accepted change and no longer wish it away. I don’t have any regrets as to what I am now, who I am now.
This year a lot of my friends are leaving, and I wish them a wonderful journey. And I say Goodbye.
We might meet again. We may not. But there was once a ‘we’ and what more do I need than that?
I read the article on Seoulbeats, and I realised why Spring Day seemed familiar, seemed nostalgic even.
Spring Day was who I was before. It was my journey until here, until now.
The fears I had before.
And so, I think, I will always come back to Spring Day, despite everything. Because it is proof that I won over something. Proof that I grew out of my fear. It is like a praise. And, curse me, I like a little praise. It is my precious memories in a song and I will cherish them.
You know it all
You’re my best friend
The morning will come again
Because no darkness or season
Can last forever